Mems Of Me
I couldn’t be happier or prouder of our friends who have just found out they are expecting or recently welcomed their babies. But in the back of my head, I have to admit, that it’s really hard to sit there and always be the happy and excited friend. Am I really that selfish?
But Rewind 8 years…
I unexpectedly fell pregnant at 19, and I didn’t imagine the hells that I would experience during my pregnancy. The first six months were all fine and dandy – baby growing well, healthy and all to plan. Then all of a sudden I was rushed into hospital with contractions, being injected with steroids and anti-sickness drugs every 4 hours and being fed medication to prevent the labour continuing. Luckily, and with huge thanks to our NHS, Lily Emelle arrived safely only one week early and by C-section. And she is growing into a happy, intelligent and amazing girl!
Five months later, and after kinda getting used to being a single mother.
I met Rob. He didn’t only take me on, but he chose to be a father to my tubby baby girl. He was and still is my knight in shining armour. Two years later, and with the sadness of loss in between, we found out we were expecting. I was consultant lead during this pregnancy, due to the issue I had with Lily and again we were going really well until we reached the six month mark. December 27th I was rushed into Gloucestershire Royal Hospital – and after all the initials checks and monitoring it was deemed I was in labour.
This surely couldn’t be happening to me AGAIN?
I was then pumped full of steroids and drugs to prevent the labour furthering (again)! We had several doctors and midwives with us all the time, discussing the possibilities of Baby being born and having to spend the first three months of his life in the NICU. After three months of going to and from the hospital, and again with thanks to the NHS, Freddie Phillip arrived safely just one week early. As happy and healthy as we could dream; albeit pushing every button as he grows!
Now, you might be thinking…
“What’s she got to complain about with two healthy kids?”
…and this is exactly where I am at right now… We were told in no uncertain terms, that if we were to attempt to have more children then we would be putting both mine and the babies lives at risk. This is really hard to hear for anyone!
Rob instantly agreed to have the snip, which I will always thank him for, and came to terms with not having anymore children. But me? I honestly don’t think it’s sunk in until these last few weeks.
The thought that always sits in the back of my mind is that Rob will never experience having another biological child – a ridiculous thought as to him he has two children.
So here in lies my internal argument…
Is the fact that I want more children because I want them, or because I can’t?
Am I being selfish by sitting holding a baby just longing for my own?
My anxiety and depression levels have spiked recently, and it wasn’t until Rob asked me about this “baby thing” that I really thought about it. It’s affecting me more than I assumed. I love our friends, and their babies, and I wouldn’t change anything at all – but I am trying my hardest to work through this! I am thinking through and processing things I never thought I’d have to. But I will work through it, and I will get there! One day!
I know that some of those friends will read this, but I want you to know that I love you and always will. I will love your babies like they’re my own, unconditionally. I will always have a smile for you and yours, always!
*please remember to speak about the things that are affecting you! There are so many avenues that we can seek to get us through